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Pursued

I recently watched one of those trending Facebook sermon videos about marriage. I was skeptical upon clicking the video and so I half listened. Then I tuned in when the speaker said,
"Love comes after marriage... love is solidified in marriage as spouses relentlessly pursue one another."
Love develops after marriage.

I have heard this before. In fact, I have heard this for a long time. As a young woman who grew up in the church, I have listened to the messages on marriage, the preaching on patience, and the sermons on sacrifice. Growing up, I was excited about these things. I was thrilled at the opportunity to pursue one man, continually learning more about him and learning to love him more. To dive deeper into his world and, therefore, to love him more deeply. I was even excited about undoubtedly failing in marriage. Failing again and again because I knew it would bring me to the foot of the cross and deeper into understanding God's unconditional and relentless love, providing an opportunity for sanctification in the most magnified sense. Simultaneously, I was thrilled at the thought of being pursued myself. To be pursued is to be found. Not as if lost in a game of hide and seek, but to be found in the layers which make an individual unique. To be found in the favorites and the quirks, in the scars and the wrinkles, in the stretch marks and the stories which shape you.
I believe at the core of every woman, exists this desire to be pursued by one who loves us, who prioritizes us. However, sometimes this desire is hidden or "buried deep within a woman's heart" (Eldridge, 11), but it is never forgotten. As I listened to the sermon, my response was a hardened scoff of doubt. Suddenly, I realized I have silenced my desire to be pursued. This desire is safely hidden, buried deep by a little girl's fears as her Dad left her family and covered by layers of self-protection as her mother dated men who trampled hearts and destroyed trust. My desires are locked away and quieted... but never removed.

Sometimes these desires remind me of their existence. I remember them when someone takes the time to ask questions of significance or when someone remembers my favorite apple. I come to life when intentionally pursued, but I am afraid of these desires, and so I run from them. I run in fear of rejection, in fear of disappointment, in fear of divorce, destruction, and depression. I run, and the Lord runs right after me.

This is not a post about another sad story of a woman with Daddy problems, nor is it a post about a fearful woman in the world of relationships, it is not even a post about how women need to rely on being pursued by Christ.
No, this is simply a post exposing my sprint away from God's truth, which reveals my deep need for healing, and also the need for healing in many hearts. Psychologically, humans arrive at several conclusions about life based on personal experience. We experience an event, create an interpretation based on our perception of the data collected (accurate or inaccurate), and then we develop a response based on our belief. Subconsciously, my falsely built beliefs have calloused my heart. I cannot blame individuals or events for the quieting of my desire to be pursued. I am fully responsible for taking the shovel of doubt and covering this desire with fear, causing a funeral to my feelings and a rejection of myself. I push away this desire because I have not seen an example of a healthy pursuit. Therefore, I have incorrectly believed it does not exist and is merely an empty fairytale.
Yet, the Lord in His great faithfulness draws my spirit to the truth, prunes the branches which bear no fruit, and brings freedom through His Word (John 15:2, 8:32). Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals longs to restore my heart, to restore your heart. He longs to draw you deeper into an understanding of His love, which transforms your view of relationships and grants you foundational truth to experience and extend love. In no way is this process simple, in no way does it remove pain from your life. Rather, it requires total surrender. It asks you to dive into the depths and layers of lies to bring freedom. This process is impossible by yourself. It requires complete and utter reliance upon the Spirit as He gently shines a light to the darkness of your heart and brings freedom to the bondage of mistaken beliefs. This journey is life-long and beautiful and healing. May God continually lead you into an understanding of the way He views things, into a Kingdom view. Deep within your heart lies a desire to be pursued because there is One who passionately pursues your heart and yearns to restore it to His heart.

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