Heartbroken

I did not consider myself heartbroken. In fact, far from it. I felt grateful, free, and excited for the next steps ahead in my journey, but I am heartbroken. Brene Brown, Ph.D. defines heartbreak as,

Any struggle that takes away our capacity to practice love and to receive it.

Not until I allowed myself to sit with my heart and feel what was missing did I realize the truth of my heart's state, broken. In the next step of my journey, I entered a new community, a wonderful community with nature screaming God's glory, adventure calling every minute, and a staff who seeks the Lord first. This step also removed my ability to extend and receive love from those who sweat, studied, sacrificed, and served beside me. I am heartbroken for those I left behind in Texas.

I failed to recognize I was heartbroken because heartbreak is associated with grief. I live in a constant state of denial when it comes to grief. I did not want to feel the emptiness in my heart for those I left or acknowledge the reality of the loss I felt. Heartbreak connotes a bawling on the couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. It comes with societal labels such as, "depression," "unfunctional," "hopeless," or "despair." While I am not denying I have had my fair share of stuffing feelings in various manners (including ice cream), what I felt did not seem like the heartbreak defined by culture. I felt different. As I sit with these feelings and ask the Lord to find me in the emptiness and ground me in truth, I cannot help but think of the heartbreak of others. Even on this memorial day for Americans, how many are heartbroken? Still feeling the weight of loss? Accepting Brown's definition, heartbreak is closer than one may think. I wonder how many shrink from or deny their heartbreak because of societal definitions. Society rejects brokenness and expects perfection. They paint a picture of a beautiful life, but they miss the beauty in brokenness. The beauty of realizing what one had was worth the heartbreak, of healing tears, of reawakened passions, and of growth. Yes, heartbreak can involve every one of society's labels; however, it encompasses so much more and its beauty is lost when diminished to a surface level of society.
I hope this definition causes you to question some of the connotations so easily accepted by society and probes you to dig deeper into the depths of your heart to find the beauty in the brokenness. One of my favorite philosophers said, "How Lucky I Am To Have Someone Who Makes Saying Goodbye So Hard" (Pooh Bear). How lucky we are to be broken, beautifully broken.